Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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