I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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