thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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