Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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