You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
