summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize