I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
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Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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