she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
