Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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