I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
