just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
