Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
