My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
