got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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