Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
