You work out of a Hotel?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
