He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
