Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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