Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
