I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
