You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
