I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
