My first STD was from a foam party
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
