Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
