my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
