I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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