Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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