I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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