i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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