So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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