maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
