in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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