I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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