Pants 0. Shit 1.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
