I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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