Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
