I cut my penus on the lid.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
