A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
