Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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