1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
