Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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