Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
