My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
