I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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