You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow