I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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