highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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