i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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