Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you traded sex for a burrito?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
