She is in my trunk
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
