What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
