i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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