I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
