an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
