ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
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I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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