A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
