So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
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Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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