You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
