I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
