Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
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