I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just pee around me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
