Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
