went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
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I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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