I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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