No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
