I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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