i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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